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| Waycross Sucks. I hate this town. I hang out with noone. When I do hangout with people, I hate them, and only tolerate their presence.
Which makes me an asshole, whatever.
I miss being with my friends in Tennessee. I had so many wonderful friends! I was always with people! There was always something to do, even when there was absolutely nothing to do. I had people to do things with, even if it was just to walk around campus. It's better than sitting in your house avoiding your mother and crazy grandmother at 22.
I hate thinking like this, but I really don't think I'll come back to Waycross for as long as possible after I leave again. I never visited if I could help it when I was in Cleveland.
Moving on. I'm turning into a sex addict. Not a having sex addict, but I watch porn a lot more now. I jack off too much. I think it's slightly understandable with the lack of better options and the considerable lonely feelings. I also completely understand how lame it is.
I used to go to this website that had erotic stories. There's this one that's called 'my roommate nick' and it's awesome. It's very long and very sexy. But this story, unlike the other ones on the website have a lot of non-sex, relationship talk. The two guys start as friends, experiment, and fall in love. It's a wonderful story. I'm kind of a literature snob, and I love this story.
I find myself skipping over the sex parts and just reading how they enjoy each other, and fight, and figure out their relationship in terms of family, monogamy, future plans, etc.
I read this story all day long without even considering masturbation, because these characters are so real and human.
It made me think a lot. I read something from a friend about a guy he knew that is no longer gay or something, but is now a 'heterosexual with issues'.
That's what all christians that 'struggle' with homosexuality are told they are. We are all simply heterosexuals that have problems that God needs to heal. Every day since I was in 6th grade I have been fighting trying to figure out whether or not I am an actual homosexual, or simply a heterosexual with issues. What does God have for me?
What makes it worse, is when you fit the mold. An only male in the family when the father walked out. Surrounded by women, encouraged to pursue the arts and discouraged from athletics. I've known from an early age that sex in sinful, all sex.
Sexuality is confusing. and it takes a long time to figure it out. It's a painful, emotional, lonely process. I know a lot of people who have gone from 'struggling' to gay to not gay and back again because it's difficult to know which way youre supposed to go.
Whatever. I'm tired. and I think about this too often to no end.
I have good friends. They still exist, and they still love me. I love them. I only have a few more months and I'll be back into the life I should be living. I might not have all of my questions answered, but I'll be doing something again.
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| Minor freak out the other night. And I need to come out of my sexual-activities closet.
I had unsafe sex.
yeah i know. it's dumb. it's stupid. BUT! I knew the guy? does that count? and he's only ever had sex with his girlfriend before me? Does that make it better?
The story goes like this.
Zach went to high school with me. He played football and soccer. He was 'mr echo' which is like prom king but eternalized by being on the first page of the yearbook. He's nice, already rich, and one of the coolest guys I know. I was hanging out with a group of my high school friends over break, because I have no friends in my town now, because I'm home for a few months before continuing my life. We were all at Zach's girlfriend's house. Wine/beer was flowing. Ping-pong was played. Then flirting happened. Zach found ways to put his hand on my arm a lot. He found ways to be around me all the time. He found ways to get me tipsy enough to think it would be awesome to play poker with him and a couple guys back at his place. We went back to his place. 'The guys' ended up not being able to make it.
Zachs wandering hands and smooth talk got me. We made out, got naked, and we had sex. I'm positive I'm a top. I know this, because my bare dick was incredibly involved in the proceedings of the night.
So the sex was awesome, but unsafe.
I thought I had nothing to worry about.
THEN......
a week later I found myself in another predicament where there was a guy on his knees, and then there was blood on my dick. He thought it came from my penis. the mood was ruined, and I haven't masturbated in a week, which is a long time when you have as much free time as I do.
I thought I had an STD. I webmd'd it. Could have been a few things. None of which were good, or cheap to fix. I thought I had fucked my life up.
THEN.....
I checked my email and found that random head giving guy, who I haven't spoken too since and have avoided, had emailed me to tell me that his tooth had something wrong with it and had been bleeding since that night.
So my dick isnt' bleeding. His mouth it. I'm not going to die. But I'm also not going to have unsafe sex EVER again. Not even with Zach.
Zach called me to see if I wanted to 'hang out'. I said, "no, you have a girlfriend. the other night shouldn't have happened". He broke up with his girlfriend, and asked me out. like on a date. I have rarely gone on dates with guys, so it was weird, and he tried holding my hand, and he bought dinner, and everything was too much for me to handle.
He keeps calling, and i keep acting like I'm busy. Which is weird, because he's a cool guy. My type. And he buys everything, which is cool when you dont have any money like me ha.
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| I am very emotional right now. I haven't had a panic attack in a year now. ish. Today, I called my mom, to ask her for money. I haven't asked my mom for money in three years. That's a lot of time for a 21 year old I think. I have paid for everything, and found ways to do it. I'm proud of that shit. It took a lot of time for me to be that way. I busted my ass, dropped out or school to work 65 hours a week, thinking surely thats enough to cover my bills and get back in school in a year. Not true. \ I can't afford my phone bill. I have to have a phone, to communicate, because if I lose touch with my friends, stop hearing their voices, I forget them. My friends are my family! They are the ones I can be open with, and don't have to lie to, or fear how they will make me feel about myself. they are the ones who go out of their way to make me happy! They throw surprise parties for my birthday twice and a huge cookout for me when I have to move away, after not being in classes with them for a year. my friend karen got me a london city book. it has maps, a restaurant guide, tourist attractions, local employment offices, all sorts of stuff. She got me that because she knows my dreams. My friend reanna got me 7 plays by Sam Shephard, because she knows I love theatre and had been planning on getting that book. My little brother in my fraternity got me a beer mug with our letters on it. because he wanted the last thing I got from phi mu alpha to be from him. My mom asked how I was doing financially, and i told her. I'm shitty financially. I can't get my shit together. I bust my ass all the fucking time and I'm not making any headway, and I can't figure out how to do any better. So she told me to come home. Just for a while, but come home. Work at home, live for free, eat their food, use their utilities, sleep in their house free. home. I didn't tell my mom this, but that place hadn't been my home for years. Everytime I'm 'ome' i lose my center. I can't rest. I freak out all the time. but that's where I'm going, so I can pay off Lee and get back in school. that's what I have resigned myself to do. Suck it up and clean my shit up.
I was pseudo-suicidal a year ago. I had panic attacks on a regular basis, i drank all the time, gained 10 pounds and my gpa dropped from a 3.9 to a 3.4 in a semester. I haven't had a panic attack in a year, and today I had a fucking panic attack. because I'm going 'home'. please visit me. | | |
| I met a straight guy yesterday and today we fooled around. true. Is he really straight? probably not. Am I letting that change how awesome it was? No. I'm such a slut, except not really. It's his fault. He came on to me. I let him, but it was his fault. He's really straight laced and Im pretty sure we're going to do this hook up thing more. don't judge me, he's a swimmer. | | |
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